The Holy Fathers tell us that, in order to be reconciled to someone with whom we are at odds, the first thing we are to do is to accuse ourselves, not the other person. If we do not accuse ourselves, we will never find rest, and we will never make true and lasting peace with our neighbor. We will always be holding onto our pride.
Abba Dorotheus provides us with a good example of this from his own experience as the Superior of a monastery. He says: "Once there came to me two brothers who were always fighting. The older one was saying about the younger one, 'I arrange for him to do something and he gets distressed, and so I get distressed, thinking that if he had faith and love towards me he would accept what I tell him with complete confidence.' And the younger was saying, 'Forgive me, reverend father, but he does not speak to me with the fear of God, but rather as someone who wants to give orders.
I guess this is why my heart does not have full confidence in him, as the Holy Fathers say.' Notice that each blames the other and neither blames himself. Both of them are getting upset with one another, and although they are begging each other's pardon, they both remain unconvinced 'because he does not from his heart show me deference and, therefore, I am not convinced, for the Fathers say that he should.' And the other says, 'Since he will not have complete confidence in my love until I show him deference, I, for my part, do not have complete confidence in him.' My God, do you see how ridiculous this is? Do you see their perverse way of thinking? God knows how sorry I am about this; that we take the sayings of the Holy Fathers to excuse our own will and the destruction of our souls.
Each of these brothers had to throw the blame on the other.... What they really ought to do is just the opposite. The first ought to say: 'I speak with presumption and therefore God does not give my brother confidence in me.' And the other ought to be thinking: 'My brother gives me commands with humility and love, but I am unruly and have not the fear of God.' Neither of them found that way and blamed himself, but each of them vexed the other.
Hieromonk Damascene
